Remember the old joke about getting points for hitting certain people out in the street with your car? I don’t remember the punchline, but in the end, the actual punchline isn’t the important part. And I don’t mean that as a pun.

The important part is the idea of a point system and, of course, the laughing every time you mention how many points people are worth when they walk out in front of your vehicle. Right?

Oh look, an old lady, she’s gotta be 50 points, easy. She’d be more, but she’s looking pretty spry. Hey, a one-legged guy on crutches, 75 points. Pregnant woman — score!

I have to be honest though. I never understood the point system. Yes, I know it’s just a theoretical point system. But still, it’s flawed. The principle is that the more feeble, aged, infirm, vulnerable or pitiful the person, the more theoretical points you earn.

Backwards. Even in theory.

It always seemed to me that the more fit, agile and mobile a person is, the more points you earn for running them down, theoretically speaking. Because it’s harder. Right? Am I right?

Skip the ol’ fart slothing the crosswalk in a standard, silver, aluminum walker. Y’know the kind where they cut out the tennis balls to cap the tips of the legs? Yeah, you know. Old dude ain’t worth any points. Hell, my grandma could’ve run him down in her self-propelled wheelchair.

On the other hand, some whipcord teenager with is hat on backward and that just right amount of his boxers showing over his pants ripping along on a skateboard, now he’d be hard to hit — score 85 for bouncing that quick sucker off your bumper. An even 100 if he isn’t distracted by an iPod or texting when you do it.

See what I mean? That would be a feat worth scoring.

Of course, this is all theoretical because no one actually tries to hit the people. Right? You’re just entertaining yourself (in a macabre way) while waiting waiting waiting to drive or while brake-checking yourself into a minor case of whiplash because someone darted out in front of your car and you just saved the fool’s ungrateful life.

I bring this up now, not because I’ve been running down innocent bystanders in the streets, but because of the guy who sneaked up on that 8-year-old boy and knifed him four times in the back because he wanted to know what it was like to kill a kid. Seriously.

23-year-old Evan Sachs of Nassau County, N.Y., spent several weeks scouting malls in his area before finally executing his insane plan one day at an arcade. He waited until the randomly picked boy’s parents were distracted for a moment then attacked. And, yes, Sachs really is working his way up the crazy ladder of success, according to his mother.

But, still, dude. Killing a little kid is the craziest thing you can come up with? Especially some little kid hyper-focused on a video game? I say no score. (And the kid lived, so double goose eggs to ya.)

Want to earn some serious points? Let’s see you try scoring a hit on, say, a special ops member in a toe-to-toe dust up. Or, here’s an idea, take your crazy knife show on the road to Sturgis and see how you do against a pack of those Hell’s Angels fellas. Now, that right there would be some crazy shit on the scoreboard.

Seek more help, dude. Seriously. In a lock up facility somewhere. Please.

Just had to get that off my chest. Now I can go back to watching the Chile miners emerge from their 69-day confinement 2,041 feet beneath the Earth’s outer crust. Godspeed, gentlemen.

Ever wonder how many points you’re worth while jaywalking at: pam(at)viewfromthenorth40.com

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