When I graduated from college with a liberal arts degree, I joked that I was going to use the degree to flip burgers at McDonalds. Later, when I was burning out from the stress of the real job, I joked that I wanted to be the person who gathered the carts from around the parking lot at the new Wal-Mart in town.

Then I heard about the “assembler” position there at wally world, and I pretty much had my heart set on that job. Who wouldn’t want to be an assembler? You get to put things together (hence the name) in a back room, like, all day long. You need some shelves? boom! There ya go. Oh, you need the demo lawnmower put together? ka-pow! Looky here, a complete mower of exceptional beauty at your service. A Binford 5000 rocking chair? I put one together just this morning. ka-ching.

I would have a vast array of power and hand tools at my disposal. I would get to read and follow instructions, well, if my powers of guesswork assembly failed me. I would get to be in a back room away from people. All that and get paid too.

I was comfortable with that dream. Until now that is.

Now, I want to hunt Somali pirates Swedish style. I know, this is totally contrary to John’s desire actually to be a Somali pirate because I would be tasked with the job of hunting him down and killing him. But really, it’s no reflection on the state of our marriage or my personal feelings for him. It’s that the job perks are totally irresistible. Besides, death by Swede is only a measure of last resort.

According to the AP article by Katharine Houreld on msnbc.com, “saunas, fresh bread and massages are in — at least aboard the Swedish warship Carlskrona, the flagship of the European Union’s force to hunt down Somali pirates.” The guys and chicks on this vessel get massages, home-style gourmet meals, massages and frat-style mascot raids on fellow patrol vessels. And did I mention that they get massages, real Swedish massages?

I’ll take one from a blond, Scandinavian dreamboat named Sven.

Lots of essential oil, please, at: pam(at)viewfromthenorth40.com

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