As if Montanans didn’t have enough to worry about with brucellosis-ridden elk and bison making all nicey nicey with the cattle herds, widespread flooding from rare, high-volume spring moisture and legalized medical marijuana (or medical marijuana caregivers’ commercial grow operation moratoriums, or potheads taking advantage of a fledgling law meant to aid the direly ill, depending on which side of that plant you fall on), now we have reports of a mutant race of flying porcupines.

Seems a guy in Colstrip cut a plea agreement with the feds over a case of mistaken identity involving a bald eagle. A dead bald eagle. Which is protected under the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act.

A witness testified to seeing Dale Leroy Satran shoot a bald eagle, and investigators found the bones and feather remains of a bald eagle at the scene.

Satran, in his defense, said he admits to the shooting, but thought the bald eagle was a porcupine. No,  that’s not a misprint. The witness said Satran shot the eagle as it took to flight from atop a post. Yeah, go ahead and take a moment to view the photos on the links, decide for yourselves on the likelihood of this mistaken identity.

The report doesn’t say if Satran had been dropping acid or eating shrooms. Either way, note to self — and you — don’t go hunting with him.

So, assuming Satran is right, it was a porcupine, I’m wondering in what world porcupines do fly, besides Satran’s. And I now live in fear that it’s my world and the buggers will take to wing like Oz-style winged monkeys shooting quills like aerial shrapnel bombs or barbed Gatling gun rounds if I shoosh them out of our trees. Which I always thought they climbed. But now I’m suspicious.

I’ll probably have to start carrying an armored shield. Maybe make a large-brimmed shield-hat, so it can protect me from the sun’s damaging ultra-violet rays, too. Age spots can mar your skin as easily as a face full of quills, y’know.

Crazy bastards better not poop on me from up there, or we will have war. Just saying. I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference between a bald eagle and winged porcupine And that’s all I’m saying.

Aerial bombs from the rafter-rat pigeons are bad enough at: pam(at)